How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer

(... See the last line ...)

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like,

   "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find
something that rhymes . . . sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't
no way out.

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broke-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6) Teenagers cain't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood"
means bein' old enough to get the 'lectric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg 'cause a 'gator be chomping on it is.

9) You cain't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10) Good places for the Blues:

   a) Highway;
   b) Jailhouse;
   c) Empty bed;
   d) Bottom of a whiskey glass or bottle

Bad places for the Blues:

   a) Dillard's;
   b) Gallery openings;
   c) Ivy League institutions;
   d) Golf courses

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a
old ethnic person, and you slept in it fo' a while.

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if

   a) You older'n dirt;
   b) You blind;
   c) You shot a man in Memphis;
   d) You cain't be satisfied.

No, if

   a) You have all your teeth;
   b) You were once blind but now can see;
   c) The man in Memphis lived;
   d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot
sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.

Ugly white folk also got a leg up on the blues.

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other
acceptable Blues beverages are

   a) Cheap wine;
   b) Whiskey or bourbon;
   c) Muddy water;
   d) Nasty black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

   a) Perrier;
   b) Chardonnay;
   c) Snapple;
   d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the 'lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot.

You cain't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
liposuction.

16) Some Blues names for women:

   a) Sadie;
   b) Big Mama;
   c) Bessie;
   d) Fat River Dumpling

17) Some Blues names for men

   a) Joe;
   b) Willie;
   c) Little Willie;
   d) Big Willie

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, Tiffany, and Heather cain't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

   a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
   b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
   c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example,

Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,
maybe not "Kiwi.")

... BUT BE AWARE ...

20) It don't matter how tragic yo' life be, if you own a computer, you cain't sing
the Blues!


(... IT folks duly excepted ...)